Baby Talk

Sometimes, a girl wonders if she is pregnant. If you are having sex, then perhaps this thought runs through your mind at times. Before I got pregnant, I took many a pregnancy test, I was positive that all the heartburn and fatigue meant I was pregnant. I was not. I did not have a regular cycle, so that could not be depended upon. But I did not get pregnant until after I was married, thankgoodness. And after that, my whole life changed. Of course, right? But what I mean by this was that everything I did, everything I ate, how I slept, where I went...I handled with care. I didn't hang around bars anymore or hang very often with friends who smoked, I quit drinking alcohol and eating sprouts and feta cheese. I went to bed early, I drank more water than ever and I tried to sleep on my left side. I was cautious about what medicine I took, how much caffeine I drank and I drank more milk than I ever have.

When I had the baby, life resumed. I didn't breast feed for long, so I ate all the chocolate my stomach could devour, I drank alcohol, I ate exotic cheese and I slept whenever possible...but I drank coffee and Red Bull religiously. So what I'm getting at is that sometimes I feel pregnant again. I can't help but feel this way sometimes, after all excessive gagging is what drove me to take that positive pregnancy test, and sometimes when I gag a little too much that day I just wonder. I wonder when I am so tired I can barely keep up, I wonder when I feel a little nauseated after one glass of wine, I wonder when everything makes me cry, when I am craving food like a starving mouse and when I feel a weird sensation in my stomach, like some living thing is moving around inside of me. I swear sometimes, I feel like I am feeling flutters and I think to myself "Well surely would know if I were this pregnant to feel movement." What would I do differently? I would have to justify the 3 cups of coffee I drank today but I wouldn't have to justify the overwhelming laziness I still feel. I would not feel as bad about gaining weight, but I would still be careful about it. I could have better excuses as to why I am just not up to going out with friends or even leaving the dang house at all. I would take more naps and not feel guilty about it. I could pull out the old baby clothes without feeling like I am making a huge mess. People would ask me how I feel and really mean it. I could do a lot more research on cloth diapers without feeling like I am wasting time. But if I am not pregnant, then none of things matter and I will still feel guilty, lazy and probably still eat as much.

But I guess sometimes you just don't know. There is after all a TV show called "I didn't know I was pregnant." I look at that title in 2 ways though. 1, I think aww come on! How did you NOT know?!?!?! But then there are other times such as now. I have been pregnant before, but each pregnancy is different, and if you were not careful or not trying, you could possibly not know you are pregnant. Without divulging too many personal details, I use a certain birth control device that conceals my cycle and is pretty much 99% effective, and so I technically can still get pregnant. Sometimes I want to take a pregnancy test, when I feel the urge but I tell myself it's a dumb idea. When I was actually pregnant, I bought a test and my husband told me it was a waste of money. It was not. He was overjoyed and I was confused, upset, overwhelmed and a little excited. What would I be this time around? The same way but more excited. If I were pregnant-don't worry I'm sure I am not-I would be scared. Because we don't have health insurance, this would be one expensive baby. I'm sure babies are priceless to some people but we already have debt, too many bills and enough money-related stress to fill a million cribs. And, we already have a baby (3 year old). I want to be pregnant, but I don't. The life of an adult is a roller coaster.

I don't know what triggered me to write this, but I do know that today is our 4th anniversary, and I thought I would have two babies by now. I am thankful for my two babies-Griffin and Jason. I'm sure others have felt this way. Pregnant? Not pregnant? I hope I am NOT pregnant? I hope I am?! I hope I am not pregnant but I hope I will be again one day.